Back again

Nothing ultimately spectacular, but it made me smile.

The last line missed the rhythm, it had too many syllables. Never a good thing. The rhymes feel a little forced, a little like you've had to search and just stuck it in, trying to get everything to fit with it. The rhyme pattern didn't feel appropriate to the poem to me, but that's not actually your fault that you didn't want to add anything else. Nonetheless, a cute little poem.

awww...I didn't know you wrote poetry....

Good job! Honestly (personal opinion), this sounds great sung. Perhaps you could consider posting this in the "Lyrics" section The only thing I could really find wrong was that you didn't capitalize. Remember: in poetry, every single word that starts a line must be capitalized.

I'm actually impressed that this is from just off the top of your head!

I do not know why people are show harsh to other people here, come on cut people a break, gees!
This is not why I critiqued you to talk about how harsh people are to other people here, I wanna talk about your poem, I liked it but it wasn't one of the best that I've seen, it was a little dull, just an opinion please do not get offended. But keep writing your doing well.

This was a great poem but i have to agree you skip around a little bit with the tone and the rhymes, but i like it because i can follow it a bit since i write similarly....

Mabe try to either have one half of the poem in one tone and the other a different tone or something like that. Find a patter that readers can pick up on....

Other than that beautiful!!!!!

I have to say, it's well-crafted. Incredible technique and rhyme, with the rhythm being spot-on.

However...

This has no hook, nothing memorable or intriguing. It's the kind of thing you read and stop paying attention to what you are reading halfway through.

You are a great writer and poet - use your imagination!!

I like it alot, just on the last line, it upsets the rhythm, take out the "the".

very amazing poetry, I liked it, I have to say that everybody here is a better writer then I am. Everybodys amazing here. I love it

well written has really good rhythm in it

Spinning around

never touching the ground

fighting and pushing for more.



Fire inside

flame burning wide

soul and mind are one.



Echoing laughs

dreams of the past

forgetting how to have fun.



Shining light

starting to fight

giving you hope to live.



Remember me

I'll help you see

you always have more to give.

Pretty good, but nothing epic.

I was getting overtones of passion in the beginning, but it seemed to flip-flop at this point:
"Shining light

starting to fight

giving you hope to live."

I'm left wondering, "Why does he/she need hope to live?"

Perhaps if you had gone with a simpler rhyme scheme, it would have been easier to go more in depth and give more expression.

Finding a balance between structure and expression is important. Too little structure and the poem can turn into a medley of thoughts, which can be hard to focus in on. Structure helps give the poem rhythm, but can constrict the flow of the poem.

I think that's what went wrong with this poem.

Thanks for the critiques guys. this was not really supposed to be anything. I was just bored and took this off the top of my head.

This was okay. One thing that niggled at me was that the rhymes sound a bit forced, so much so that I felt you were just saying things for the sake of rhyming, and I didn't really know what your poem was meant to be about - it felt a little empty. It all kind of got lost in the strict rhyming structure you forced yourself to stick to. I like the way you talk about being there a thousand times, and then return to it by saying a thousand and one at the end. I would put a comma before "all told" to make that line a bit easier to read. This has potential, keep writing.

this is great! well done! the rhyming and rhythm is spot on!
the only thing i would query is ...

'ten thousand one times all told.'
im not sure if the one works?
but hey, it might just be me
otherwise this is fab!